celebrity letter | philomena cunk
Dear Philomena Cunk,
We really enjoy watching you on telly and have just finished watching all the After Lifes on Netflix. You are so funny in that especially when you said cunt. Do you ever say cunt instead of Cunk by accident? It's not that dissimilar as far as words go. I can't think of any more that start with CUN can you? Sometimes I accidentally type acocunt instead of account and if whatever I'm typing in doesn't have spellcheck it stays. Like when I sent KIND RETARDS instead of KIND REGARDS on an email to someone. Not very PC I am sure you will agree particularly as the mental capacity of the recipient was, well, limited. Although they were very kind so that was accurate. Every cloud.
I like you in Motherland as well as the other one where you have the blond hair. When you chew the inside of your cheek it makes me feel seen because I do that too and I have since I was little and my mum told me I was essentially a cannibal which I think is something I've internalised as I still worry about it.
Please could you send me a signed photo of you in any of your hairstyles, with or without glasses, for my collection of signed photos of documentary maker-slash-actors?
celebrity photo | philomena cunk a.k.a diane morgan
celebrity letter | tom selleck
Dear Tom Selleck,
My friend Shaz is your biggest fan. She will be 50 this year and has requested that her friends throw her a Magnum P.I. themed party for her birthday, with palm trees, Hawaiian food*, the lot.
This means everyone will have to dress up. My brother Robbie will be dressing up as Higgins, Shaz will be the client, Soraya will be Rick and Fran will be the pilot. Which leaves Ian. Ian will be you but unfortunatelly his moustache-growing skills are lacking to say the least so it'll be a massive let down but we'll have to try not to make him feel bad or like he completely ruined Shaz's birthday with his shit facial hair.
Anyway, what I'm sure would go some way to make up for the crushing disappointment of Ian's bumfluff tache would be a signed photo of you for Shaz for her birthday what with it being a milestone one. What do you say?
*I know what you're thinking. And you're right. We will probably do one of those party hedgehog things with toothpicks and swap the cheese for spam. Topical and tropical.
celebrity letter | chris evans
Dear Chris Evans,
When my friend Laura told me that her sister was madly in love with Chris Evans I was a bit taken aback, because I naturally thought she was referring to the bespectacled, ginger haired radio DJ of Big Breakfast and TFI Friday fame, the one with a penchant for fast cars and Billie Piper. Not that I'm saying Chris Evans is unattractive, but he is pretty unattractive, or at least, he's not "conventionally" attractive. He is super rich though.
Eventually I worked out that it wasn't him that Laura was talking about, it was you. Nicola, her sister, is besotted, and has apparently started listening to 80s music because in an interview you mentioned that you rather like 80s music. Who doesn't love a bit of Kajagoogoo, am I right? So you have that in common, at least. I don't think Nicola is looking to enter a relationship with you, what with her being married already, but I think all she is after is a friendly cuddle and maybe to go for a milkshake or some gelato now and again. Or if cuddles and/or desserts feel a bit too intimate, perhaps you could stretch to a signed photo for Nicola instead? The poor lass is going round telling people she fancies Chris Evans and getting some proper funny looks; if she had a signed photo she could at least clarify that it's not that one.